I was thinking the other day - walking alone through the city - that it's not only time without kids that I miss, but time alone, completely alone. The time I used to use to discuss with myself all the shit going on in my life. As embarrassing as it might (or might not) be, I talk to myself. Or at least I used to, before the children came.
So SOME would say I've become more sane.
But no. These, like many other forms of communication, are necessary for sanity and well-being. We all have to talk it out. With someone.
It was weird to hear those voices contemplating the stuff tumbling around in my mind. Strangely, I didn't even realize their absence before they spoke up. They just weren't there - and neither was a part of my problem-solving task force. No wonder I've been so lost!
This morning, in a 25-minute stint of solitary time while M&A were trying out the day care, I realized that I haven't heard those voices because I start my alone time just enjoying the silence. I don't start any conversations with myself because I'm taking a break from talking altogether. Knowing the screamer who inhabits my body most of the time, it's nice to just hear nothing, for a while.
Then, in the midst of my enjoyment of silence, I was approached by an older man who asked to share a Biblical quote with me. I wanted to tell him as politely as possible to share with someone who cares, but given that I was apparently still on mute, I just let him go for it. He proceeded to tell me of the promise of the meek inheriting the earth and how lovely it would be to be around for the coming changes. The world is not looking good at the moment, but that's alright, the Bible tells us how wonderful things will be in the end and only the meek will be taking advantage of the gifts of god. Or something like that.
Me: Yes, the meek are quite a convenient following for the powers that be. God wants you to follow, not me, no. Do it for god.
Me again: I don't want to disturb this guy's peace. Just nod and smile.
Me: He won't stop. I think I may have to say something.
"Well, I have my own opinions on this," I said.
"And that's fine. At least you have something to think about today," he said. "Have a good day." He smiled and walked away.
And so I did get to think about something other than me and my kids for a little while. Had a little chat with myself and smiled a lot, enjoying the banter that one can only have with someone sharing their brain. Incomplete sentences, disconnected thoughts, discovery of multiple tangents. It all made so much sense. Again.
So next time you find yourself talking to yourself, tell yourself a joke and both of you can laugh and then discuss something that's been weighing heavily on your shoulders and see if, together, you can find a solution. Along the way, appreciate the thoughts you share and the all the ways you can help yourself find the path it's time to take.
That's my plan.